@Carbosly

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

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@fart

when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw

@JessObsess

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

@gvicks

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

@Reverend_Scott

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

@RatBatallion

When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

@Home_Halfway

FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning

@GashleyMadison

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.