So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.