My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Software Development ⛵️
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
2022 be like
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter