Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Guantanamo Bae
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.