Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*