So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Attention children:
Mom is closed.