So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

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“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”


I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.


“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.


In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.


Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.


Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.


Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.


*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*