@StupiDucker

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

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@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@RunOldMan

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

@ImFordTough

In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.

@HaliPhacks

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

@therepoguy

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@EndhooS

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?