Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
shit just got real
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?