So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao