“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.


*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*


Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.


Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.


Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.


Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.


*aliens land on Thanksgiving*

*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”

Aliens: Savages


guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea


Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.


It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?