@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

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@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@thenoahkinsey

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@blade_funner

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

@KentWGraham

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

@Mr_Kapowski

*aliens land on Thanksgiving*

*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”

Aliens: Savages

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

@NYC_Blonde

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

@envydatropic

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?