Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.
*aliens land on Thanksgiving*
*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?