So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dishonest mechanic?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
There is wisdom there.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
me after eating Cheetos