My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.