So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
You Might Also Like
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……