So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.