@drinkcherrycoke

So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine

You Might Also Like

@CatherineLMK

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

@AmishPornStar1

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

@KKAlThani

If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@djdarrellripley

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story