[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My kitchen overserved me.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I identify as an antique shop.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.