A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you’ve hit,i will be removing mine
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…
When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.
Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.
If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99