So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?


“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.


I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.


Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.


I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.


Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”


*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.


[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho


Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.


*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*