@urmumsausername

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

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@buhsbaby_baby

If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@xoCAMILLAxo

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!

@kumailn

Why didn’t we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should’ve been the first lesson!

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@pleatedjeans

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

@walks_on_legs

Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger