So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
You Might Also Like
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”