So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
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i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Growing out my freckles.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.