So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
You Might Also Like
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*puts my mental health in rice
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.