So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Any refunds available?…
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
oh u like geography? name every lake
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble