@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

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@iamspacegirl

[watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]

@KylePlantEmoji

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

@MadMimsy

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@Andrea__B__

So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons

@realHamOnWry

My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.

@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

@engineportal

When a kid says ” Daddy, I want mommy”, that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.

@liz_buckley

My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.