@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

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@bwfrance

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

@tweetsaboutdog

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@Playing_Dad

If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@DanMentos

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

@MacAnnabella

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

@adrianmyreality

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@ScobeyWanKenobi

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.