[watching our kid play at the park]
ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!
So I neutered my car yesterday
Neutered my car
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
So I think we have pretty much covered what to do if life gives you lemons
My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When a kid says ” Daddy, I want mommy”, that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.
My office password’s been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.