On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
So I neutered my car yesterday
Neutered my car
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid’s name will be just whisper “AND THE DARK LORD’S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED.” They love that.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.