So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted