@MoneypennyNaked

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

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@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@GrowlyGrego

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

@Ms_WhateverV

A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.

So I pushed her under a bus.

@TheRolo

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.