So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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Bringing home a sharpie
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
#CoronaOutbreak