So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?