As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Nice try, poison.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down