brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks