So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —
And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes