So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Google assistant rules
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler