You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.