So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.


I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.


I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.


When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”


Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop


That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably


When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already


Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.

You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.