So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know