After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
When people post sad things on Facebook I just want to hug them and whisper softly in their ears, “no one cares.”
Three seconds into a three way:
We need to hurry this up. I have to poop
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
just gonna leave this here
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Netflix had to issue a warning to people blindfolding themselves after watching Birdbox.
You all keep finding new and creative ways to be historically remembered as the dumbest society since the Enlightenment.