Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Our lord and savoury.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook