Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”
You Might Also Like
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
– Tony the Tiger’s wife
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer