So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.


“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what



H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.


“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?



6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*


[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello


Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.


HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession.

ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.


All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”