@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

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@howe007

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

@notalogin

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

@Mom_Overboard

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

@iamspacegirl

[after blowing out all the candles on my cake]

him: Did you wish for world peace again?
me: haha of course.

*A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*

@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

@bornmiserable

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

@fro_vo

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

@Social_Mime

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.