So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food


[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin


[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.


*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.


[after blowing out all the candles on my cake]

him: Did you wish for world peace again?
me: haha of course.



Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.


Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.


blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year


me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy


My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.