my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.