@GreGooglyMoogly

So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?

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@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.

@theshamingofjay

No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@Brentweets

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

@sammyrhodes

Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.

@Skoog

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.