son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm
son: what happened to the animals
son: did they die
me: old mcdonald did
So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?
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I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
him: I like bad girls
me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.
No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.