I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?
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I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of “star” and everyone yells at him