So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?

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son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals


son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did


I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.


him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.


No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.


mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes


Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.


Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.


[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect


[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*


If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.