@GreGooglyMoogly

So if something’s not “unique” then it’s just “ique,” right?

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@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

@WickedDarkEyes

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
Oreos.

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@MarfSalvador

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

@fantasesay

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

@BadMikeyBad

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

@RaphaelBW

some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of “star” and everyone yells at him