me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Attacked by a mop.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders