So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You Might Also Like
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me