So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re


Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having


While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.


watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them


The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”


I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.


Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.