Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh
Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll
Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Me: I look cute today.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.