@Izianikapani

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

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@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@sonictyrant

Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having

@OhNoSheTwitnt

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

@IamEnidColeslaw

watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them

@BadMikeyBad

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

@jellybnbonanza

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

@scott_towel

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.