So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me


My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.


My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.


With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/


I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!


I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog


I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch


Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.


BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]


ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter