@yobrah_

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

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@comotethomas

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@batkaren

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

@shutupmikeginn

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

@esuwalker

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@ohheyohhihello

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter