So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
good work, everybody
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?