so i’m at the stock market right
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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.