so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter