So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
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just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Bed should get ready for ME
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease