So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Hit me in the face with a bird
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”