So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
And now we wait
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
don’t we all
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book