@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

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@Jennarater

I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers

@timcarvell

I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, “Let’s Feed Babies to the Sharks”, as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies – let’s be honest – should be fed to sharks.

@daemonic3

[job interview]

interviewer: you’re late

me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”

@noneofyours99

That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@HelmdawgE

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.