Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix