I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers
So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”
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I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, “Let’s Feed Babies to the Sharks”, as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies – let’s be honest – should be fed to sharks.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
interviewer: you’re late
me: oh for me? thanks [grabs his coffee and takes sip] but it’s pronounced “latte”
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”
Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying
*throws flashlight at him
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.