When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
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[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…