So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
wow
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
@funTweeters
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did