So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

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honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions


Uber Driver: I didn’t realize your name was so literal lol

Little Red Riding Hood: [through windshield] WHAT


girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.


My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.


Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.


Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?


I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.


DOOM 4. All of the guns suck, so we made punching take forever.


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.