@justliamwilson

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

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@ch000ch

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

@_____russell

Uber Driver: I didn’t realize your name was so literal lol

Little Red Riding Hood: [through windshield] WHAT

@tonyhawk

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

@MommaUnfiltered

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

@krishna_van

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@AntozWolf

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

@RatCasket

DOOM 4. All of the guns suck, so we made punching take forever.

@junkyardigan

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.