So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Mood.. 😂
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
HOW DARE YOU
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Sign of the day..
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.