So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”