So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.