6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.