PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
You Might Also Like
Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”
Playing with Hot Wheels as a child gave me an unrealistic expectation of how many purple convertibles with dual exhaust, air scoops and rear spoilers would exist in America.
There are way more than I anticipated.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
6: can u get me a drink?
Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink
6: fine *goes to fridge
Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are