“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

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I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?


I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.


once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried


my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u


I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.


My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.


I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.


I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.