“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
You Might Also Like
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A Short Story.