@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

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@notalogin

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

@DoogieHorner

Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”

@UnFitz

Playing with Hot Wheels as a child gave me an unrealistic expectation of how many purple convertibles with dual exhaust, air scoops and rear spoilers would exist in America.

There are way more than I anticipated.

@mydudemybroski

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@Sassafrantz

[text]
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”

@DaddyJew

6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?

@CatsVsHumanity

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are