“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
#Caturday
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Morning.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My wedding will be open casket.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf