So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too